Lemondrop

Julie Klausner is a red-headed, cat-loving, foul-mouthed comedic vixen whose new book, "I Don't Care About Your Band," details her misadventures in dating.

While it's hilarious, don't expect anyone to adapt it into a rom-com anytime soon, unless America is ready for elaborate pornographic metaphors based on the Whole Foods salad bar.

Julie has gotten herself involved with a rogue's gallery of creeps, weirdos, deviants and plain old crazy folk, and her memoir gleefully combines life lessons with acerbic takedowns of the men she's shared a bed with. (She's now part of a happy couple, so don't try to e-stalk her.)

As a dude, I was alternately charmed and horrified by what she had to say. So I spoke with her on behalf of Lemondrop to see if we couldn't bridge the gender divide. Were we successful? Judge for yourself.

Lemondrop: You describe yourself (or an earlier version of yourself) as "desperate and ripe." Where is that line between "romantically interested" and "desperate"?
Julie: I can see how somebody coming on strong could be off-putting, but I don't think the unattractiveness of intensity is a quality inherent to women. When I was younger, I certainly think my hormones accounted for a kind of urgency that didn't make sense with the basic laws of supply and demand -- if you seem less available, you can make yourself more attractive to somebody, male or female. Also, when you say "for a limited time only" in an infomercial, it makes people call and order rotisserie ovens faster.

I've personally found that if a girl sleeps with me on the first date, it's pretty much a guarantee that it's not going to turn into a relationship. I realize this is terrible -- it's sort of saying that I can't respect a girl who'd willingly get naked with a guy like me so soon -- but that's the way my lizard brain works. If you sleep with a guy on a first date, shouldn't you be .. .somewhat unsurprised if it ends up being a one-night stand?
Girls should wait as long as they think makes sense, or whenever they feel like it, to leap into bed. They should also feel comfortable falling into bed, getting into bed, and crawling into bed. As for expectations, I don't think it's fair after a woman sleeps with someone she likes on the first date and then doesn't hear from him, to give her an ol' "What'd you expect, ya slut?"

There are so many other situations beyond dates, first or otherwise, that lead to sex, from hanging out with somebody you just thought of as a friend, to hooking up repeatedly with someone with "no strings attached," or whatever the kids are calling it these days, with their Fruit Roll-Ups and iPods and cargo shorts made out of slap bracelets.

So, that said, there are fewer and fewer rules that guys follow or even know about when it comes to a-courtin' -- whether it's when to get in touch, what to say, whether to pay -- so they can just make it up as they go along. But when women decide we're not going to follow one of OUR rules -- the one that says we have to keep our legs shut until after the Jesus-ordained third date -- all hell breaks loose in the male mind.

It's a gross double standard, and the consequence is that women end up feeling like sh** and blaming themselves, no matter what.

You write, "There are a couple of advantages of sleeping with an ugly guy." Now let's imagine a dude wrote this same line about an ugly woman. Wouldn't it make him a misogynist in the Dane Cook/Tucker Max mold? Doesn't your sentiment make you something of a misandrist? (Thanks, Internet dictionary!) So that I can use my new favorite word -- are you a bit of a misandrist?
I think my book comes from a place of disappointment more than anything else, and disappointment is a term that has optimism inscribed into it. It's not vitriol. My book is not the SCUM manifesto. I had expectations, and I was let down. But if I hated men, I would have stopped trying by page 20.

You've met guys at bars, at the gym, on the Internet and at the theater (while you're sitting in the audience). From that ample experience -- what's the single best place to meet somebody? What's the worst place?
The best is however it happens, and the worst is however you met somebody who is awful. I'm not Cosmo. My job is not to make up rules like "Wear makeup to the gym!" and "Go to a sports bar!" We are all lucky to find each other.

You cite both Scarlett Johansson in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" and Pam from "The Office" as flawed male visions of the perfect woman. Which fictional women do you think ARE worthy of male admiration?
I'm not here to pronounce myself Judge Julie. Like, I know full well that I don't have the authority to decide which women men are allowed to like. You don't need to apologize for liking Pam. My cubicle mate doesn't need to apologize for liking Megan Fox more than Dame Judi Dench.

With Pam, I was making a bigger point about how her character is different than a female archetype / crush object from 20 years ago, or even 10 or five. I think she represents a kind of non-intimidating beautiful girl who doesn't appear to wear a lot of makeup or dwell in the trappings of traditional femininity in the same way a lot of her admirers don't relish the idea of being traditionally masculine, or seeking out a girl that's starkly different than they are.

If there's one thing you could change about the average straight male, what would it be?
I'd make them have fingers made out of Twizzlers that would grow back whenever you grabbed one to snack on, and feet made out of basset hound puppies that would shed every two blocks or so, then track my Twizzler scent back to my apartment, where I'd be waiting for the puppies with hugs and such.


Scott Indrisek is an editor at Anthem and occasionally bros down with us here at Lemondrop. He's obsessed with books, unpretentious French movies and riding his bike.